Before We Began - (1/3)

[breathe_abreath]

Title: Before We Began (1/3)
Author: breathe_abreath   
Genre: Hancest
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Zaylor
POV: Taylor
Word Count: 5092
Summary: There wasn't anything we could have done to make it work. It was over before we began.

This fic is set in early 2003 in Tulsa, towards the end of the IDJ Underneath ordeal. (I don't know if they were actually in Tulsa at that time, but I've read some sightings that seemed to suggest they were there at least some of the time)

Author's Note: I don't have a beta because I don't have any friends. 

Part 1 - Losing Him 


Tulsa, Oklahoma - February 18th, 2003

“I think the drums could be a little... sharper.”

Zac nodded, doodling on a note pad.

“I'm not criticizing...” I began to explain, but he simply nodded again, still refusing to acknowledge me with so much as a look.

“It's late, why don't we pick this up in the morning?” Ike sighed wearily, rubbing a hand over his face to try to wake himself up a little. “I'm sure Nat's wondering if she's ever gonna see you again.”

I chuckled softly. “Nah. She's used to it by now.”

“Zac?”

“Hmm?” I noticed that he actually made an effort to look up at Ike when he spoke to him.

“Ready to call it a night?”

“I was ready to call it a night two hours ago, man.” He smirked faintly, closing his note pad and standing up. “Same time tomorrow?”

“Same time.” Ike nodded in agreement.

“Right.” Zac took a long, tired breath. “G'night.”

“Night.” I called at his retreating back, but he didn't respond before the door closed behind him.

I wanted to believe that it was nothing personal, that he hadn't heard me or he'd been too tired to even lift a hand and wave. But there was a feeling that had been plaguing me for weeks and it was only getting worse. At first I hadn't noticed that anything was different, I'd just assumed that the pressure of making the album was getting to him, and who could blame him? After almost two years of going in circles, anyone would be at the end of their rope. But it had only taken me a short while to realize that the bickering that had developed between Zac and I wasn't really a result of stress. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it had seemed like he was purposefully taking shots at me for no reason. And I'd been doing the same in return.

As soon as I'd realized what was going on I'd made a conscious effort to resist retaliating. I didn't want to fight with him, especially over nothing. And it seemed to be working... sort of. Once he'd realized that his snarky comments were being met with silence in return, he'd stopped making them. Then he'd basically stopped saying anything to me at all.

It felt like I was losing him and I had no idea why. I searched my memory, trying to pin-point exactly when it had started and what I could have possibly done to piss him off so much, but I was coming up empty. Ike and I had gone through a slightly strained period when Nat and I had announced her pregnancy and our plans to marry. I couldn't really blame him, it was a shock to everyone and I understood why he was disappointed. But we'd moved past it pretty quickly, and Zac had been supportive the whole time. If he hadn't been okay with it, he'd done a good job of hiding it.

But that all seemed like another lifetime compared to what was going on between us.

“Ike?”

“Yeah?”

“Has Zac said anything to you about me?”

Ike looked up from the computer monitor and his lips twisted into a half smile. “Elaborate, please?”

I slumped on the couch and rested my head against the plush leather. “I don't know.” I sighed. “Like... have I done something to majorly piss him off and no one told me?”

“Not that I know of.”

“He's acting weird.”

“He's Zac.” He snorted, turning back to the screen. “He's been acting weird since he was in diapers.”

“I don't mean Zac weird. He's been... distant, I guess.”

He shrugged a shoulder. “Maybe you guys are just going through a... thing. Growing apart a little. I mean... you're married, Tay, and you have a kid. He's seventeen,” He glanced over his shoulder at me. “It's only natural he wouldn't be able to relate to everything you've got goin' on right now. Heck, I can't relate to everything you've got goin' on right now, dude.”

“But that doesn't make sense. He never acted like this before. He always seemed fine with Nat and he loves Ez...”

“Of course he does. I'm not saying he doesn't love you guys, I'm just saying that maybe he feels like you've grown up a lot lately... moved beyond him, you know?”

I frowned, picking at the frayed edge of the couch cushion. “I haven't moved beyond him.”

“So tell him that.” Ike replied sympathetically, obviously sensing that the idea of Zac and I growing apart was really getting me down.

“I would if he'd speak to me.” I muttered, looking up at him. “You honestly haven't noticed how he's acting towards me?”

“I guess I noticed you guys aren't really talking as much as usual. I just figured you were both tired. We're all tired.” He smiled reassuringly. “And I'll bet you that's making all this seem worse than it is.”

“Maybe. I just wish I could get him to sit down and talk to me. Like... really talk to me.” I shook my head sadly. “I honestly don't remember the last time we had a conversation that wasn't about the album. I suggested we get coffee yesterday and he totally blew me off. I tried calling him about ten times last week and he never picked up.”

“Maybe he was busy?”

“Ike, we get outta here and we go home. It's eat, sleep, work. Lather, rinse, repeat.”

“Okay, so then maybe he was sleeping. You know Zac. Sleeping is one of his favorite pastimes.”

Neither of us spoke for a long moment. “Does he pick up when you call him?”

Ike's lack of an answer said it all. And I assume the kicked puppy expression on my face said everything Ike needed to hear as well, because he pulled his cellphone out of his pocket, flipped it open and hit three (Zac's speed dial. I was two, mom and dad were one) followed by the call key. It only took what I imagined to be a couple of rings for Zac to answer.

“Hey, man. Yeah, I know you just left, don't worry, I'm not callin' ya back in.” He laughed softly. “I was just thinking maybe we could grab some breakfast tomorrow morning before we hit the studio?” He looked up at me, his expression unreadable. “Uh... no. He's... uh... he has to take Ez to the doctor. No, no, he's fine, it's just a check-up. You know, like one of those 'well baby' things?” If I wasn't so distracted by the fact he'd had to lie to Zac to get him to meet for breakfast, I would have admired how quickly he'd come up with that story. “Great, see ya' there.” He closed the phone, ending the call. “Okay, so maybe he is acting weird.”

“Nice lie.” I said half-heartedly.

“He'll be at IHOP at nine.” I nodded and I could feel him watching me in silence for a moment. “Want me to go with you? I could hold him down if he tries to make a run for it.”

I couldn't keep a small smile from tugging at the corners of my mouth and I knew without looking that Ike was smiling at his successful attempt to cheer me up a little.

****

If I said I hadn't been expecting the disappointed look on Zac's face when I slipped into the booth opposite him at IHOP the next morning, I'd be lying. But expecting it didn't make it hurt any less. Seeing that look in his eyes was like a kick in the gut.

“Where's Ike?” He asked in annoyance.

I decided that enough lying had been done to get us to that point and it was about time at least one of us was honest.

“He's not coming. He just called you to set this up for me.”

“Why?”

“You tell me.” He rolled his eyes and started to get out of his seat, but I reached across the table and pulled him back down as hard as I could. “Stop avoiding me!”

“I'm not.”

“Bull, Zac. You've barely spoken to me for weeks. You won't answer my calls, you don't even wanna have breakfast with me!” He looked down at the table top but didn't respond. “What's going on? Did I do something? Because if I did, I wanna try to make it right, but I can't until I know what I did wrong.”

When he finally looked up at me the disappointment and anger in his eyes were gone and they'd been replaced by something else... it looked a lot like fear, and I couldn't for the life of me understand what he was afraid of.

“Zac?”

He shook his head. “Please, just let it go.”

“How am I supposed to let it go when I have no clue what 'it' even is?”

“I'm sorry, okay? I'll answer your calls from now on, I promise.”

“But I still don't understand what this was all about. I need to know what happened so I can stop it from happening again.”

“It won't happen again.” He said, picking up the menu in front of him. “Let's just order.”

I stared at him in disbelief. Was that really all he was going to say? “I'll pick up the phone, let's eat”?! Without thinking, I grabbed his menu and yanked it out of his hands.

“What the...?!”

“You can have it back when you tell me what's been going on between us.” My actions were about as mature as those of a five year old, but I was too frustrated and confused to care all that much.

“Tay, just drop it!”

“Not until you talk to me!”

His eyes darted back to the table top and he shook his head again ever-so-slightly. “I can't.”

I placed the menu on the table and reached out to put my hand on his. “Why not?”

Before my hand even touched his, he pulled it back as if something had stung him, and I instinctively jerked my hand away and stared at him in surprise. I'm sure he saw the hurt etched into my features as we looked at each other across the table. We were sat barely a few feet apart and suddenly that small distance felt ginormous.

I didn't know what to say. I managed to bite back an impulsive “what the fuck?!”, toyed with a helpless “I don't understand” and several versions of “why'd you do that?”, but in the end I said nothing. I simply stood up, my wounded blue eyes never leaving his anguished brown ones, slipped out of the booth we were sharing and headed for the door.

A cool February breeze swept my hair back out of my face and stung my eyes, making me realize how close I was to tears, which just made me angrier. I was going to be twenty years old in a few weeks, I was a father and I was going to cry because my little brother was mean to me? I clenched my jaw and started walking down the block towards my car. I was not going to cry.

I was digging around in my pocket to retrieve my keys when I felt a hand on my elbow and turned to find Zac standing behind me.

“I'm sorry.”

I shrugged off his grip and turned back to the car, jamming the key roughly into the lock. “Whatever.”

“Tay, please don't be like that.”

“Me?!” I spun around, my eyes wide and my tone incredulous. “Me be like that? What about you? I try to be nice to you and you pull away from me like I've got the plague or something!”

“I said I was sorry.”

I took a breath, trying to calm down. “Are you going to tell me what's going on?”

“Tay...”

“Fine.”

The pleading sound in his voice had almost made me let it go. Almost. But I was sick of feeling like I'd done something wrong and if he wasn't going to be honest with me then I wasn't interested in going through the motions.

When I opened the car door he pushed it shut again and I turned to him, frowning in confusion. He stared at me for a moment and then looked up and down the sidewalk we were stood on, as if he was afraid someone was watching us.

“Not here.” He finally mumbled. “Can we walk?”

I nodded and he began to walk away from the car. It took me a second to follow him, but after I caught up to him my steps mirrored his and we walked in complete silence. There was a tension in the air that was making me anxious, and I wanted to say something to break it, but I couldn't think of anything.

Before I knew it we'd walked the almost two miles from IHOP to Helmerich Park down by the river. Part of me was still fuming at Zac and convinced that all that walking was his way of putting off actually saying anything. But a larger part of me didn't mind. The silence had become comfortable somewhere along the way and a comfortable silence was something Zac and I hadn't shared in too long. And intentionally or not, he'd brought us to a place we'd always loved as kids. I'd forgotten how much.

“It's been a while, huh?” He asked with a hesitant smile, and I figured the nostalgia must have been evident on my face.

“Yeah.” I sat down on one of the picnic table benches and he joined me, sitting slightly closer than I'd expected him to.

The park was a lot quieter than I ever remembered it being, but we'd mostly spent time there in the summer, and it occurred to me that it was probably the wrong time of year for the park to be in full use. The children's play area behind us was completely empty, and aside for one or two joggers off in the distance, we were completely alone.

“Remember when I was like... seven, and you and Ike bet me I wouldn't jump off of the top of the slide?” He smiled as he looked back at it over his shoulder.

“Oh, man,” I chuckled, rubbing my hands together for warmth. “I thought mom was gonna have a stroke when she saw you up there counting to three.”

“I've never seen her run so fast in my life!”

We both laughed then, memories of our childhood rushed back and hit us like a tidal wave, washing away everything that had been causing us pain for months.

I sighed as the laugher gradually died down. “The good old days.”

“Tell me about it. No worries, no record company assholes...” He shook his head as if he couldn't quite believe there had ever been such a time.

“No Fenster.” I grumbled, kicking my heel down into the damp bark chips at our feet and enjoying the satisfying crunching sound it made.

“Just us.” Zac concluded wistfully, staring out at the quiet river.

I watched him watch the water. I wanted to to ask him to tell me whatever it was he'd brought me all the way out there to tell me, but I didn't want to spook him when he finally seemed so at ease around me. Luckily, I didn't need to push him.

“I really am sorry for how I've been acting.” He said, looking down at his hands, which I noticed he was wringing. “I know I was a jerk.”

“Did I do something-?”

“No.” The answer was so abrupt that it almost surprised me. “It wasn't you, I promise.”

“Okay. So then... what was it?” I asked gently.

“Me.” He took a breath. “It was... all me.”

“I don't know if I understand.”

His lips twitched as he suppressed a smile. “Makes two of us.” He picked at his fingernails nervously, trying to find the words to continue. “Somethings been going on... and I don't...” The rest of the sentence was lost in a chuckle.

“What?”

“I just realized I was about to recite the opening lines of 'Where's The Love' and now I want to kick myself.”

I smiled and swung my leg to the side, kicking him gently in the shin.

“Thanks.”

“Welcome.”

“Anyway... as I was saying, there's just been some stuff I've been dealing with... or... not dealing with, I guess. Trying to deal with and failing?” He shook his head and sighed. “I don't know. Obviously whatever I've been doing hasn't been working.”

“Can you tell me what this thing is you've been trying to deal with?”

“I want to.” He looked right into my eyes and the sadness I saw there made my heart ache. “Tay, I swear, I want to. But... honestly? I'm scared.”

My eyebrows shot up before I could stop them. “Of me?”

“No!” He reached out and put his hand on my arm and then retracted it just as quickly. “Not of you. Of how you'll react. Of what you'll think of me.”

If I had been confused before, I wasn't sure there was a word for how I felt at that moment. I thought the bond I had with Zac was strong enough that we could tell each other anything without being afraid of the reaction we'd receive. I couldn't believe I'd done something to make him feel like there was anything he couldn't share with me.

“You can tell me anything. I thought you knew that.”

“I did. I do. It's just...” He looked down at his hands again. “This is kinda... different to anything else I've ever had to tell you.”

“I promise I won't react badly.”

He smiled sadly. “You can't promise-”

“I just did.” I held the confident expression on my face until he found the strength to look up and see it.

“Okay, then I'm just gonna... say it.” He breathed unevenly and I nodded. “Tay... I think... I mean... I'm pretty sure I'm kinda...” He closed his eyes and I was sure I could see him shaking. “Gay.”

The fact that Zac couldn't bring himself to look at me for a long moment after that was probably a good thing, because my mouth dropped open slightly and I couldn't seem to close it no matter how hard I tried. I felt words, questions, bubbling up in my throat but they never made it any further. All I managed was a strangled “Wh...?”

“Don't tell anyone.” He begged. “You can think I'm sick and disgusting if you want, but please don't tell anyone.”

Hearing the desperation in his voice, I finally managed to make myself speak, and do so as reassuringly as I could. “I don't think those things.”

“You don't?”

“No.” I tried for a smile, but I'm not sure it actually made it to my mouth. “Of course I don't.”

I watched his whole body relax a little as he rested his back against the picnic table behind us.

“Can I ask you something?” I began hesitantly and he looked at me. “How do you know?”

“What?”

“How do you know you're gay?”

He shrugged. “I don't know. I just... do.”

“Have you ever-”

“No.” He cut me off, shaking his head. “I've never... done anything... with a guy.”

“But... you're attracted to guys?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well... no...”

I laughed in confusion. “Then why do you think you're-”

“I'm attracted to a guy.” He blurted out. “Just... one.”

“Oh.” I mentally smacked myself for not having anything more significant to say. “Do I know him?”

“Kinda.” I could've sworn I saw him smile, just for a second. “You're... acquainted, let's leave it at that.”

“Okay.” I shook my head still trying to let the revelation sink in. “Are you sure you're attracted to him? I mean, maybe you just really admire him, you know?”

“Tay, I know the difference between thinking someone's a kick ass musician and thinking they're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. I admire Bono, but I don't wanna make out with him!” He visibly shuddered at the thought and I had to chuckle.

“So this guy's a musician, huh?”

His face fell suddenly, and a panic stricken look flashed in his eyes. “I-”

“It's okay. I won't pry if you don't want me to.” He nodded gratefully. “But... can I just ask one more question?”

He eyed me uncertainly. “I guess.”

“Does this guy know how you feel?”

“No.” I wanted to reach out and hug him right then, he looked so hopeless. “And he's never going to.”

“Why?”

“Because...” He sighed. “He doesn't feel the same.”

“How do you know unless you ask him?”

“He's not gay.”

“Well... neither are you.” I nudged his shoulder with mine. “Who knows, maybe you could be his one guy, like he's yours?”

I wasn't expecting what happened next. I thought he'd laugh or at least smile, and probably tell me I was wrong or that he couldn't tell this mystery guy because he was too scared. Instead his shoulders began to shake and I watched as a tear rolled down his cheek.

“Zac? What... what did I say?” He shook his head. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean...”

“He's married.” He choked out plaintively. “He's married and he has a kid and there's no way he'd ever like me like that, he couldn't.” He struggled to take a breath.“I love him. I'm fucking in love with him and I don't know what to do anymore! It hurts, Tay. It hurts so much.”

My heart broke for him right there and then (and if I'm totally honest, maybe it didn't only break for him). I pulled him to me and he allowed his head to rest on my shoulder as I rubbed my hand soothingly up and down his back. I was kinda surprised he didn't pull away from my touch the way he had been recently, but I figured he was too emotionally exhausted to care anymore.

The truth was, I could relate to how Zac felt more than he knew. He probably thought that everything had come so easily for me, that I'd found Nat, my “One”, settled down and had a kid and everything was exactly how I wanted it. But what he didn't know, what no one knew, was that before Nat, hell, even after Nat, there'd been someone else. I'd never cheated, but... I wasn't married to the person I considered to be my “One”. I loved her and our son and our life together, but it had taken me a long time to get to a place where I could appreciate it and put aside my unrequited feelings for my actual “One”. And, like Zac, that “One” had been a guy.

“I know how you feel.” I said, not realizing what I was saying until it was already out there, hanging in the air between us.

I felt Zac lift his head and look at me, but I didn't turn my face to look at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean...” I took a deep breath. If Zac could be that open with me, it was only fair I offer him the same in return. “I mean there was someone... a... a guy...” When I looked at him his eyes were wide. “Just one.”

“Seriously?” He asked with a sniffle, sitting up so he could see me better.

“Seriously.”

“Who?”

“Hey now, I didn't make you name names.” I smiled faintly.

“Do I know him?”

I tilted my head from side to side and made 'hmm' noises for a moment. “You're acquainted, let's leave it at that.”

Zac let out a breath of laughter and wiped his eyes. “You're an ass, you know that?”

“I give as good as I get.”

“So... did you and this guy ever...”

“No.” I shook my head and tried not to read anything into the expression of relief that briefly crossed his face. “I never even told him.”

He frowned. “Why not?”

“Because... it wouldn't have worked. Couldn't have.” It felt strange to talk about it so casually, as if it was someone else's life we were discussing. I guess I'd spent so long convincing myself that it couldn't have worked and telling myself I could be happy with Nat that somehow, somewhere along the line, I'd managed to make myself get over it.

“But... when did this... I mean... how come you never...”

“Told you?” I raised an eyebrow at him. “Perhaps for the same reasons you didn't tell me? Only I dealt with it differently, so you never even knew something was wrong.”

He shook his head slowly in amazement. “No kidding! I had no clue.”

“Good. I didn't want you to.” I shouldn't have corrected myself then, I didn't need to, but I was suddenly overly paranoid that he'd figure it out. “I mean... I didn't want anyone to know, not just you.”

Zac nodded. “Do you still think about him?”

“Hard not to.” I tried to keep the sadness out of my voice but I didn't quite succeed. “He's around a lot.” I smiled to myself, the smile of someone telling a joke that only makes sense to them. “Kinda can't get rid of him.”

“Sorry, Tay.”

I wanted to laugh out loud, but I managed not to. He would have thought I'd gone mad, and maybe I had, but it just sounded funny. I knew he was saying he was sorry that I still thought about my “one guy”, but under the circumstances it seemed funny for him to be sorry for that.

“Thanks. I'm sorry your guy's married.”

He did laugh out loud then and I smiled, cocking my head to the side in question.

“What so funny?”

“It's... nothing.” He shook his head and waved a hand dismissively. “Doesn't matter.”

“So now that I know a little something about what's going on in that head of yours, are you gonna stop acting like a jerk around me?”

“We can hope, right?” He smirked and I rolled my eyes.

“Come on,” I sighed, placing my hand on his shoulder, partly in an attempt to comfort him and partly to use him to push myself up off of the bench. “Ike's gonna throw one of his famous hissy fits if we don't get our butts down to the studio soon.”

He laughed softly and placed a hand on top of mine, which was still resting on his shoulder even though I was now standing. The moment the bare skin of his hand touched mine, I felt a jolt. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought it was some kind of static electricity. But I didn't want to pull my hand away. Whatever it was, it felt good.

And then our eyes met. And I was staring and he was staring right back and we were talking without speaking.

I'm not entirely sure what happened. It was like us being there in that moment, his hand on mine, our eyes locked, it broke some kind of secret code that opened a door and suddenly everything came tumbling out and I knew. I knew who his one guy was. And judging by the look on his face, he knew who mine was as well.

I swallowed hard. As sure as I was that he knew, that he felt the same, if I was wrong then what I was about to do was going to freak him out and screw up everything.

The hand I still had resting on his shoulder slowly lifted, and his hand moved with it, up... up... until it came to rest on his cheek. He let out a shaky breath, which was about the time that I realized I was holding a breath of my own and hadn't been breathing for a while. My thumb lightly brushed the apple of his cheek and almost immediately a tear hit it and I felt my own eyes becoming damp.

“Tay...” He breathed unsteadily, pressing his cheek into my touch.

I pulled my hand away slowly, wrapping my fingers around his and tugging until he stood with me on trembling legs.

I kept a hold of his hand, entwining our fingers as I took a small step closer to him, closing the already barely-there gap between us. He was so close I could feel his breath on my face and I'm sure the same was true for him. I couldn't tear my eyes away from his, I was terrified that the moment I looked away or closed my eyes, whatever was happening would come crashing down around us. I let my forehead fall lightly against his and my heart beat became even more erratic, which I didn't think was possible. He was so close.

All I had to do was make one last, small movement and my lips would be against his. But I was frozen. That one movement was the point of no return. What we were doing at that moment, standing so close with our foreheads touching and our hands clasped... that wasn't brotherly. But we hadn't really crossed that last line.

And then we did. Or rather, Zac did. And I won't even try to pretend I wasn't grateful, because not kissing him physically hurt. I'm not sure how much longer I could have stood there with him like that, but I don't know if I could have ever mustered the strength to take that one last step either.

But somehow he found that strength for the both of us.

His lips brushed mine, lightly at first, seeking permission or reciprocation, anything to let him come closer again. It was all I needed. My lips found his like a magnet and I felt him sigh softly against them. My free hand was tangled in his hair within a matter of seconds, holding him closer and deepening the kiss. There was nothing hesitant about it then, we'd started something we both knew we couldn't go back on, so we simply stopped fighting it. Everything we'd felt, or not allowed ourselves to feel for one another, was poured into that one kiss and it was leaving me breathless in the best way possible.

I had no idea where it would lead us. In that moment all I knew was that I never wanted to stop kissing him.

 

Comments

[getupandgo-25.livejournal.com]

I just noticed I commented on the wrong page but anyways I cant wait to see what happens next so I hope there is more soon =)

[badsamajama.livejournal.com]

There isn't even words to explain how I am feeling right now. Like, I don't want to sound cheesy or insincere. But, those last few paragraphs blew my mind. The build up was AWESOME! I seriously got all teary and shit, and my heart got all fluttery and swelly. There are no further words. Just, damn, I can't wait for part 2.

[care-boo77.livejournal.com]

Wow :0) What a great first part! Haven't read the second yet, but i LOVE it allready! Great writting!

[g-u-a-g.livejournal.com]

I've nothing more to say than Wow!! I can't wait for more ...

[vascohanson.livejournal.com]

hi, i've read lots of zaylor in the past 2 years but this is so well written and so deep...i had a melancholic feeling in a good way while reading this chapter,you're a great writer i have no more words i just love it.

[brokenangel-25.livejournal.com]

i love this.. so sweet.. now im going to go read the other two.. lol

[newyorkgiants.livejournal.com]

Aw, I like that. I have a sneaky feeling it's going to end sadly, by the same and that little line at the beginning about them being over before they began but.. I'm hoping!!

[yrmlcompleted.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the add - I have yet to read but wanted to comment on this:
Author's Note: I don't have a beta because I don't have any friends.

There is NO WAY in hell you'd want me to be your beta... but I'll be your friend for sure! :)

[breathe-abreath.livejournal.com]

Aww. Thank you! I'm not totally friendless (although sometimes it does feel that way). lol I am fanson friendless though. None of my friends even like Hanson, so there's no way I'd let them read this.

[yrmlcompleted.livejournal.com]

I absolutely LOVE this! I love how real it seems (duh, it's supposed to be real) I know...but really. The brotherly bickering, the hesitation in telling, the love. It's really great!

[girlyfairytale.livejournal.com]

oh. my. god.
i loved this.

[alexi-lupin.livejournal.com]

OMG that anticipation you built u on that kiss was amazing!

[marysheasy.livejournal.com]

i love it! you really know how to present it without having too much tension when zac told tay.. and it's funny at the same time.. i'm off to read the next one!

[rawan1031.livejournal.com]

Wow!! This is great!! I can't wait to read the next chapter!!!

[ifyouwannago07.livejournal.com]

That was amazing. I loved it.

[lylia17.livejournal.com]

I just want to say, "wow"! You really have a talent in writing and the subtle way you brought Tay and Zac together was perfect!

[wiikkis.livejournal.com]

This is really good! Maybe you could friend me back so that I can continue reading?

[breathe-abreath.livejournal.com]

:D Added! :) Thanks for reading!

[rachie-grl6.livejournal.com]

omg...that was just heart-wrenching. absolutely amazing writing and my heart ached right along with theirs...can't wait to see what happens next :)

[zacslilangel.livejournal.com]

awesome stuff loved it

[psychoknot.livejournal.com]

Reading this the second time, and wondering why the hell I didn't comment at all the first...I must've been crazy or something.

I always feel weird, coming in so late, after so many have left such heartfelt comments, and yet...I feel even more weird not commenting at all.

I'm in love with this story, and with this chapter of it. There's always something special about the confession scene, especially when done right and with the right amount of build up. The way you express things, feelings, subtle nuances, so effortlessly, so perfectly, so as to engage all of me completely...is lovely. Even knowing what comes next, this chapter is still so powerful and perfect, it brings tears to my eyes, for so many different reasons. But most importantly, because of just how utterly beautiful it is, in every way.

You're amazing. I admire your work so much...and just wanted to let you know this story holds a steadfast place in my heart. :)

[vagarical.livejournal.com]

I know this is a really old fic of yours but I'm only starting to read it now so gonna feedback!

“ I admire Bono, but I don't wanna make out with him!”

This is like going into my list of favourite quotes from Zaylor fics ever. And that's a pretty short list so feel honored! ^^ That just totally made my day I swear.

And the kiss... gosh I had goosebumps for the longest time there! And I think I was holding my breath along with them. The electricity and nerves was so palpable as I read it.

I don't know if I've mentioned it feedbacking on LLO before, but in case it has slipped my mind, I really love your writing style.

[atmc35.livejournal.com]

omg i am so glad they kissed. Loving this story

[http://users.livejournal.com/thumbcut_/]

i love how you described the lead up to their kiss. it was perfect. <3

[iwontbeafool.livejournal.com]

So glad that you added me!!! This is the first time I read your story and I'm already hooked! I love the way you write, full of feelings and lots of Zaylor shits, I can't even with this first part....!

[tondada.livejournal.com]

I was breathless right along with them. Loved the slow, easy buildup . . .